Liveblogging My Suprise Novel Part the Deux

Ok, kiddos. I'm not going to lie to you. Like many endeavors, this seemed exciting enough at first. Discovering a series of novels a la romance written by Katherine Irons, it immediately seemed imperative that I read them and then share them with you. I think it's important to promote all of one's passions, even those you didn't know you had.

But here's the truth. I'm disappointed in myself ducks. As a person and as an artist. I thought I was a much better writer, quite frankly, and reading this book has led me to suspect my parents have been lying to me for years about my supposed “talents”.

But, the show must go on, and I made a promise to you, dear reader, and I shall not let you down. Let the liveblogging commence!

So when we left off I had expressed concern, confusion even, about how those crazy kids Prince Morgan of the Sea and Wheelchair Claire of Seaborne Maine might ever hook up. Well, I need not have concerned myself for it happens with fortuitous speed. Upon the vague pretext of checking abandoned lobster traps, Prince Morgan finds himself upon Claire's private beach as she sits and looks out over the water.

Through Claire's eyes we finally get to see what Prince Morgan looks like: “He bore some resemblance to Brad Pitt, but side by side he would have put Brad to shame. He must have been a professional model. There was something exotic looking about him. Maybe he was Italian or Greek.” Ah yes, so exotic. I can hear the jungle drums from here no?

We also learn that Exotic Prince Morgan has eyes “the exact shade of water off the coast of Nassau”, which seems on the one hand quite specific, yet somehow not specific enough. What time of day is it? Is it partly cloudy or mostly sunny? Is it before the cruise ship arrives or after it leaves? But despite this lack of specificity, Exotic Prince Brad Pitt Morgan with eyes the color of the water off of Nassau on Thursday at 2:53 pm with a light breeze blowing in from the SSW and Claire (who we are eventually told has auburn hair and freckles, cuz who cares) have a very speedy meet cute with instant attraction on both sides. I know! Shocking!

Now, you might be wondering, as I did, how I, the author, might deal with the fact of Claire's infirmity, but there is no need to worry! Exotic Prince Morgan has magic powers! He is able to magically whisk her from her bed at night into the sea where they drift beneath the waves bangin like sea bunnies. There's some sea cave bangin, and some underwater grotto bangin, and one time they make sweet sweet sea love while riding on the back of a giant manta ray, which is sooo romantic and not icky at all when you think about it. Next time you're out and about, how bout inviting some squirrels to bang on your head? See? Totally not weird.

The bangin is awesome and amazing and large and throbbing. There's a lot of laving going on, which all the kids seem to be into now. Prince Morgan is actually worried about the bangin at first because apparently the bangin prowess of Atlanteans such as himself is so epic it can drive a human mad, but Claire is just super special and can just take it like a sailor. When the bangin is done, Prince Morgan magically whisks Claire back into her bed, which for a time leads Claire to believe that It's All A Dream, except how can she explain her missing pajamas and the sand in her bed?

So, there's also plot happening which, I have to be honest, I'm going to have shorthand for you as best I can because the thought of turning this liveblogging into a 3 parter is more than I can bear.

Before The Accident Claire was, as best I can figure out, a Professional Amateur Sports Enthusiast. In addition to the Olympic equestrianism she was also a nationally ranked fencer, black diamond skier, mountain biker and mountain climber. Also, yachting. Also, drama camp, which anyone who has ever attended one will tell you is definitely a sport. And sex. She liked sex. I think I mentioned that earlier, but I feel it bears repeating repeatedly.

Claire's adoptive father Richard is a wealthy lawyer who loves Claire to pieces and is very worried about her since the accident. Claire's adopted mother is dead and she was a bitch and we don't care about her. Claire also has an evil ex-husband named Justin who is Manhattan's “top” psychotherapist or psychiatrist or some kind of shrink doctor. He is also a raving perv and a voracious bi-sexual who likes to spend all his ready on Viagra poppers and Russian hookers & rentboys. Look, I'm not saying that I am homophobic. All I'm saying is that the 2 primary villains of this story are hanging towards the middle-right of the Kinsey scale. No judgment!

Claire's father is so worried about her depression that he tries to convince her to start seeing Evil Ex Justin since he is Manhattan's Top Head Doctor, purely on a professional basis of course because, um, Manhattan only has the one psychiatrist? Justin wants to convince Claire to marry him again so that he can kill her and take all her money due to his brokeness of spending all his dough on Viagra poppers and hookers, which makes me wonder where he's getting his Viagra cuz I'm pretty sure it's available much cheaper somewhere else.

Morgan is the Crown Prince of Atlantis. His father is Poseidon. In addition to his Crown Prince-ly duties, he works scouring the ocean floor rescuing lobsters from traps, reflecting the Northern European school of monarchy which encourages royalty to also have professions. Also, it's tragic and dreamy.

Morgan must go on trial for the whole rescuing the kid from drowning thing, and it's not looking good, until Poseidon speaks up for him and asks for leniency, while extracting the promise that Morgan must never, ever involve himself in the human world EVER again EVER or he will face 1000 years entombed in Coral, Coral in this instance being the reef variety and not some hot Water Sprite from Jamaica.

Unfortunately by this time Morgan is in LURVE with Claire, which is just worse than saving a human being, and then to top it off he rescues a human child from a evil sea demon attack and turns her into an Atlantean to save her life and at that point all hell breaks loose and evil swinging Caddoc and his even evil-er mother are certain to have Morgan entombed in coral for all eternity. Then this wise elder Atlantean lady points out that in the Atlantean Charter Chapter 27 Subsection c if an Atlantean can convince the human they love to join them under the sea, then they may be sea-wed and no one has to go to sea jail.

And, more stuff. Really I think we know where this is all going. Morgan rescues Claire from evil swinging Justin. Morgan rescues his dad from evil swinging Caddoc. When Morgan brings Claire into the sea for real, instead of just through magic, she instantly turns into a sea-goddess meaning that, OMG! She was an Atlantean all along! And her mom is the wise elder Atlantean lady who has missed her since the day she was born. And Morgan and Claire adopt the transformed human Atlantean child who, in case you were worried, had a total bitch of a mother, so don't feel bad about that, and they all ride off into the sea-sunset on the backs of their dolphins.

So, there it is. My novel. Apparently I wrote 2 more. Perhaps it's best if I allow them to remain veiled mysteries to me, like the smell of the crashing surf on a winter's day.

Liveblogging My Novel!!!

I was completely gobsmacked to learn today that I am a published author! While working out at one of the branches today I discovered not one but two novels by Katherine Irons just sitting there on the shelf. Of course I had to check them out immediately to find out exactly what I've been up to.  What I discovered is so exciting I actually excavated my old blog, Populucious, (populucious.blogspot.com) just so I could share the experience with you.  

According to the Author information I am from Delaware. I live in a 300 year old house with my husband. I enjoy writing, of course, and also reading, travel, and beach combing. I can be found at www.katherineirons.net

A visit to www.katherineirons.net further informs me that I have written 3 novels in the Seaborne series, Seaborne, Oceanborne and Waterborne, all of which are available through Amazon.com, so get thee there and ring me up some royalty checks!

My website opens with a poem of sorts. Maybe a brief emotional essay would be more apt. “Atlantis, the name calls from the deepest part of my soul. As long as I can remember, the images in the mind's eye, evoked by memories of a hidden world beneath the sea...as crisp and real as the smell of the crashing surf on a winter's day.”

There's more but I'm too emotional to go into it right now.

The books I write, oh, where to begin? Well, I posted cover pics on FB earlier today to help you set the mood and they all are, of course, clearly shown on my website, www.katherineirons.net, My imagination, so intricate and effulgent, does not include shirts for men, ok?

One of my cover men, let's call him SexxyMullet, wields a broadsword. Another, lets call him PoutyFabio, wields a trident. One of them, let's call him SixPack McGee, wields no weapon at all. LAME. SixPack McGee kind of confuses me because although I'm getting an “ocean” vibe from my work, he looks like a lost cowboy. I think it's the belt buckle. SixPack Mcgee is on my first novel and frankly I think someone in the art department just slapped an extra drawing from a western bodice ripper on my cover. My agent will be hearing from me.

Disappointment in SixPack McGee's lack of weaponry aside, let's take a look inside Seaborne and see what delights await.

It's July in Maine the chapter heading tells us. There's a thunderstorm a comin and people are fleeing from the ocean side in droves. We open on SixPack McGee, whose name for the purposes of this book is “Morgan”. Ok, not a great lead out of the gate. Naming one's hero after 80s nighttime soap actresses is not a strong start but let's not write him off yet.

Morgan is watching a fishing boat flounder against the rocks. He is en-gripped in a terrible moral dilemma. On the one hand, apparently he may have at his disposal the means to help them. On the other hand, lengthy discussion of the evils of over-fishing, mankind losing touch with nature, litter at the bottom of the ocean. Also, oil spills. Also, Global Warming.

We're at the top of page 2 and you better believe that I Care, mmkay? This is no empty romance novel about horny Amish chicks with no concern about the environment. This is dark, gritty, unvarnished reality, unafraid to look the horrors of humanity square in the eye. You can't stop the signal!

Ok but back to the first hand though, he sees a kid on the boat fall into the ocean and it's not like the kid is responsible for all the dead fish so Morgan succumbs to his “gentle heart” and “casting a net of hypnotic illusion around himself” transforms himself into a dolphin and saves the boy. SNAP! I bet you did not see that coming! My hero is a merman.

After saving the boy, dolphin man swims off when suddenly he is surrounded by a menacing group of fish men. Their leader, we are told, is Morgan's half brother Caddoc. Caddoc is evil and you know this right away because he has dark hair. Also, his eyes are “small and dark, with the clear and merciless gaze of a killer whale”. See, a lot of writers would have just used “shark” there, but I buck all trends.

Apparently many things. Apparently Caddoc hates Morgan. Apparently saving human lives is against Fish Law. Apparently Morgan is not fond of Caddoc who is “oversexed” and likes “swive-ing” anything he can get his hands on including his ugly Samoan fishman bodyguard Tora. Ok, wow. I'm homophobic. I didn't see that coming.

We learn some other things like that fish men don't have tails but wear kilts, because, duh!

They threaten each other with dangerous weapons, but then Morgan, we discover, is clever and talks his way out of the fight with no violence. Still, he broke Fish Law, so probably that's going to come back later. I'm just guessing. Morgan finds himself swimming back to shore, as if pulled by some unknown force, like a magnet almost, if magnets attracted living things and not metal.

Meanwhile, on land, in a tragic mansion overlooking the sea, we are introduced to Claire. Claire is sad. The rain means she can't go to the beach which is her only joy and comfort. It's hard to imagine why this beautiful, wealthy young woman would be so sad until, wait a minute, pan back, she's in a wheelchair! Shut the front door! Yes, once upon a time, last year, Claire Bishop had it all. Beauty, brains, money and an active sex life. She was on the American Olympic Riding Team and owned a horse named Gold Dust. Then “an accident” and now “she, who had enjoyed sex so much, would never know physical love again, never marry again, never have a reason to exist.” Also riding, dancing, and walking are off the list. Also, driving. Also, conceiving a child.

She's especially sad today because her private investigator just called and told her that he can find no information about her birth mother. Although Claire was adopted as a child, she longs to know about her real mother. All she knows is that she was young, musically gifted and very beautiful. Well, that's all Very Mysterious. I wonder where it might lead?

I don't know. I know I wrote this, but I can hardly see where it's going. I mean, how on earth will this lonely paralyzed woman whose only solace is sitting beside the ocean every day even meet this sensitive New Age fish guy? It would be nice if they did meet though. They seem like good kids, except for the homophobia.