Sunday, July 08, 2012

Liveblogging My Suprise Novel Part the Deux

Ok, kiddos. I'm not going to lie to you. Like many endeavors, this seemed exciting enough at first. Discovering a series of novels a la romance written by Katherine Irons, it immediately seemed imperative that I read them and then share them with you. I think it's important to promote all of one's passions, even those you didn't know you had.

But here's the truth. I'm disappointed in myself ducks. As a person and as an artist. I thought I was a much better writer, quite frankly, and reading this book has led me to suspect my parents have been lying to me for years about my supposed “talents”.

But, the show must go on, and I made a promise to you, dear reader, and I shall not let you down. Let the liveblogging commence!

So when we left off I had expressed concern, confusion even, about how those crazy kids Prince Morgan of the Sea and Wheelchair Claire of Seaborne Maine might ever hook up. Well, I need not have concerned myself for it happens with fortuitous speed. Upon the vague pretext of checking abandoned lobster traps, Prince Morgan finds himself upon Claire's private beach as she sits and looks out over the water.

Through Claire's eyes we finally get to see what Prince Morgan looks like: “He bore some resemblance to Brad Pitt, but side by side he would have put Brad to shame. He must have been a professional model. There was something exotic looking about him. Maybe he was Italian or Greek.” Ah yes, so exotic. I can hear the jungle drums from here no?

We also learn that Exotic Prince Morgan has eyes “the exact shade of water off the coast of Nassau”, which seems on the one hand quite specific, yet somehow not specific enough. What time of day is it? Is it partly cloudy or mostly sunny? Is it before the cruise ship arrives or after it leaves? But despite this lack of specificity, Exotic Prince Brad Pitt Morgan with eyes the color of the water off of Nassau on Thursday at 2:53 pm with a light breeze blowing in from the SSW and Claire (who we are eventually told has auburn hair and freckles, cuz who cares) have a very speedy meet cute with instant attraction on both sides. I know! Shocking!

Now, you might be wondering, as I did, how I, the author, might deal with the fact of Claire's infirmity, but there is no need to worry! Exotic Prince Morgan has magic powers! He is able to magically whisk her from her bed at night into the sea where they drift beneath the waves bangin like sea bunnies. There's some sea cave bangin, and some underwater grotto bangin, and one time they make sweet sweet sea love while riding on the back of a giant manta ray, which is sooo romantic and not icky at all when you think about it. Next time you're out and about, how bout inviting some squirrels to bang on your head? See? Totally not weird.

The bangin is awesome and amazing and large and throbbing. There's a lot of laving going on, which all the kids seem to be into now. Prince Morgan is actually worried about the bangin at first because apparently the bangin prowess of Atlanteans such as himself is so epic it can drive a human mad, but Claire is just super special and can just take it like a sailor. When the bangin is done, Prince Morgan magically whisks Claire back into her bed, which for a time leads Claire to believe that It's All A Dream, except how can she explain her missing pajamas and the sand in her bed?

So, there's also plot happening which, I have to be honest, I'm going to have shorthand for you as best I can because the thought of turning this liveblogging into a 3 parter is more than I can bear.

Before The Accident Claire was, as best I can figure out, a Professional Amateur Sports Enthusiast. In addition to the Olympic equestrianism she was also a nationally ranked fencer, black diamond skier, mountain biker and mountain climber. Also, yachting. Also, drama camp, which anyone who has ever attended one will tell you is definitely a sport. And sex. She liked sex. I think I mentioned that earlier, but I feel it bears repeating repeatedly.

Claire's adoptive father Richard is a wealthy lawyer who loves Claire to pieces and is very worried about her since the accident. Claire's adopted mother is dead and she was a bitch and we don't care about her. Claire also has an evil ex-husband named Justin who is Manhattan's “top” psychotherapist or psychiatrist or some kind of shrink doctor. He is also a raving perv and a voracious bi-sexual who likes to spend all his ready on Viagra poppers and Russian hookers & rentboys. Look, I'm not saying that I am homophobic. All I'm saying is that the 2 primary villains of this story are hanging towards the middle-right of the Kinsey scale. No judgment!

Claire's father is so worried about her depression that he tries to convince her to start seeing Evil Ex Justin since he is Manhattan's Top Head Doctor, purely on a professional basis of course because, um, Manhattan only has the one psychiatrist? Justin wants to convince Claire to marry him again so that he can kill her and take all her money due to his brokeness of spending all his dough on Viagra poppers and hookers, which makes me wonder where he's getting his Viagra cuz I'm pretty sure it's available much cheaper somewhere else.

Morgan is the Crown Prince of Atlantis. His father is Poseidon. In addition to his Crown Prince-ly duties, he works scouring the ocean floor rescuing lobsters from traps, reflecting the Northern European school of monarchy which encourages royalty to also have professions. Also, it's tragic and dreamy.

Morgan must go on trial for the whole rescuing the kid from drowning thing, and it's not looking good, until Poseidon speaks up for him and asks for leniency, while extracting the promise that Morgan must never, ever involve himself in the human world EVER again EVER or he will face 1000 years entombed in Coral, Coral in this instance being the reef variety and not some hot Water Sprite from Jamaica.

Unfortunately by this time Morgan is in LURVE with Claire, which is just worse than saving a human being, and then to top it off he rescues a human child from a evil sea demon attack and turns her into an Atlantean to save her life and at that point all hell breaks loose and evil swinging Caddoc and his even evil-er mother are certain to have Morgan entombed in coral for all eternity. Then this wise elder Atlantean lady points out that in the Atlantean Charter Chapter 27 Subsection c if an Atlantean can convince the human they love to join them under the sea, then they may be sea-wed and no one has to go to sea jail.

And, more stuff. Really I think we know where this is all going. Morgan rescues Claire from evil swinging Justin. Morgan rescues his dad from evil swinging Caddoc. When Morgan brings Claire into the sea for real, instead of just through magic, she instantly turns into a sea-goddess meaning that, OMG! She was an Atlantean all along! And her mom is the wise elder Atlantean lady who has missed her since the day she was born. And Morgan and Claire adopt the transformed human Atlantean child who, in case you were worried, had a total bitch of a mother, so don't feel bad about that, and they all ride off into the sea-sunset on the backs of their dolphins.

So, there it is. My novel. Apparently I wrote 2 more. Perhaps it's best if I allow them to remain veiled mysteries to me, like the smell of the crashing surf on a winter's day.

1 comment:

Holly said...

Oh, boy.

Too busy laughing to comment more.